1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
