I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
