wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
