Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
