i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
