How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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