I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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