goodnight i made you a song goodbye
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
