i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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