If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
