I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
