she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
