Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i love accidental penises.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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