his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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