Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
