I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
