It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
