I think I won the penis lottery.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
