just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌ï¸
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
