My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize