After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
