I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
