I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
