I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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