If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
