I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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