No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
