My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
