Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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