Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
