note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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