You're my little dorito
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
