he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
