Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
