there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
