then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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