Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Your penis caused this!
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