when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
