Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
