Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
this hospital has no fireball
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
