Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
