Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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