I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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