May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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