goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
