she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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