Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
