16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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