Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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