seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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