I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
