Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
