i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
MIDGETS
????
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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