then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
