wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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