I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
