Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
