I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My ATM looks so different sober.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
