What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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