I just made out with a guy for $7.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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