Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
