i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i dont even know how to be here
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
