listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
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