i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
