i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize