Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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