What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
