So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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